How to cope with fears about your life expectancy

If you find that your heart condition makes you worry about dying or having a shortened life expectancy, you are not alone.

Consultant Clinical Psychologist Dr Anne-Marie Doyle works with patients at Royal Brompton and Harefield Hospitals, who have heart and lung conditions.

She says: “It’s quite common to have this anxiety, because the heart is one of our vital organs.

"Worrying about dying or losing a loved one is completely normal and is probably one of the most fundamental anxieties that humans live with. It is because are conscious and aware of our own mortality and we know that one day we will have to say goodbye to people we love.”

This anxiety can increase if you feel unwell, go into hospital or have a change in your diagnosis. But, Dr Doyle says, it’s possible to manage those fears and live a meaningful life. She offers some tips on how to manage difficult feelings about your life expectancy or dying.

1. Think about what you can control

It’s helpful to concentrate on what you can control. This includes taking care of your physical and mental health.

"Good sleep, eating well, staying mobile within your limits and making decisions about your treatment with your medical team are all ways to get your health as strong as possible,” Dr Doyle says.

2. Practise acceptance

But, she adds, “Ageing and changes to the heart are not necessarily within our control.” That’s why it’s important to get to a point of acceptance.

“Given that we will all come to the end of our lives at some point, many of us don’t think about that too much and we live our lives as if we are invincible. But the reality is that we have a limited amount of time on the planet, and we want to live a meaningful life, in line with our values, our skills and strengths.

"I think many people in the western world think hopefully I will get to my 70s, 80s or 90s if everything is going well. These are current expectations, and we use that as a sort of background guide against which we measure our own lives.

"But in fact, some of us will have a very long life, and some of us will have a shorter life – it’s about accepting the circumstances of our lives as they are,” Dr Doyle says.

3. Understand your fears

Accepting our fears does not mean we resign ourselves to them, but rather that we try to understand them. It’s best not to push away thoughts about dying. “Paradoxically if you try not to think about painful thoughts, that will keep the anxiety going,” Dr Doyle explains.  

Instead, she encourages writing down worrying thoughts and trying to understand them: “Is it worry about pain, about people not being able to manage without you, or about not having done everything you want to do?

"Understanding difficult thoughts can make them less frightening. Even if it means you feel upset and have a cry, it’s useful to reflect on what aspects are worrying you and it can help you process it.”

4. Seek professional help

Sometimes a fear of dying can spring from having had a traumatic experience related to your heart condition, such as surgery that did not go well or feeling that you came close to death.

Anything that links to the memory, such as being back in hospital, or even seeing a dentist in scrubs, can cause those frightening feelings to resurface.

If your anxiety becomes overwhelming, and it is interfering with your life, it’s a good idea to seek professional help. 

5. Prioritise what matters to you

Dr Doyle says that with support, many people find a new perspective on life and start to prioritise what really matters to them.

“People who have had a traumatic experience can have a new gratitude for life,” she says. “This often leads to restructuring life to focus on activities and relationships that bring you happiness.

"It's about making the most of the time we do have and living in line with our values, our skills and our strengths. It's balancing the reality that one day our life will end, with having a meaningful life, a good quality of life."

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