How to cope with bereavement and grief

Bereavement can affect your life at any time, and the way you cope with loss is unique to you.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and no set timescale. You may also need support at different points along the way.

There are various schools of thought around grief and bereavement.

The growing around grief model, developed by Lois Tonkin in 1996, suggests that grief does not shrink over time. Instead, you grow your life around it.

As you learn to live with loss, it can help to think carefully about the choices you make and the support you reach out for.

Understanding how grief can affect your emotions

Grief can affect how you feel, think and behave. It can have physical effects, too.

At times you may feel intense sadness. At other times you may feel numb or find yourself carrying on with everyday life as usual.

This can change from day to day, or even from moment to moment.

Grief can feel like a roller coaster, with moments when you feel OK followed by times when many different emotions overwhelm you at once.

Many things can affect how you grieve. These include:

• your culture and beliefs
• your relationship with the person who has died
• the circumstances of their death
• your previous experiences of loss and support.

Are there stages of grief?

You may have heard of the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

However, these were developed by Kübler-Ross in 1969 to describe coming to terms with dying, not bereavement following a death.

Bowlby and Parkes' model, developed in 1970 for grief after loss, describes 4 phases instead: 

1. Shock and numbness
2. Yearning and searching
3. Despair and disorganisation
4. Reorganisation and recovery

Parkes later made clear that these phases were a theoretical framework describing the natural process of grief.

They were never meant to be used to plan bereavement support or counselling, or to take a bereaved person through them one by one.

These models can be useful ways to understand grief, and you're welcome to explore them.

But grief is not linear - there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Every person's grief is individual because their relationship with the person who has died was unique.

6 tips for managing grief

There's no correct formula for coping with grief, but these suggestions may make daily life a little more manageable.

1. Allow yourself to feel

Try not to judge your emotions. You would not judge a good friend for how they're handling their grief, so try to offer yourself the same kindness.

Talk about the person who has died and say their name. This gives others permission to do the same.

You might write things down, look at photographs, listen to music, or meet a friend for a cup of tea, lunch or a walk (it's good to keep moving if you can).

Some reminders may feel too painful at first. If you have an upsetting or traumatic image in your mind, you could try replacing it with another memory or photograph when you feel ready.

Notice what helps and, where possible, do more of it.

If something makes coping harder, think about whether you can avoid it or do less of it.

2. Look after your basic needs

Grief can make it hard to eat, sleep or look after yourself. Where you can, focus on the basics:

• eating regularly
• drinking enough water
• getting some fresh air
• resting when you need to.

3. Stay connected

It can be tempting to withdraw from others while you're grieving.

Spending time with people you trust, whether family, friends or others who support you, can bring comfort and connection.

You do not always have to talk about your grief. Sometimes simply having company helps. 

4. Take 1 day at a time

Everyday tasks can feel overwhelming, especially early on. Try breaking bigger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Focus on what needs to happen today rather than thinking too far ahead.

5. Be mindful of alcohol and other substances

Some may turn to alcohol or other substances to try and numb difficult feelings. However, this can make emotions, sleep and concentration even harder to manage, while also affecting your general health and wellbeing.

6. Give yourself time

Be patient and kind with yourself. Difficult days can still come, even when you've started to feel less overwhelmed.

Knowing when to get extra bereavement support

It's natural to have a range of responses to bereavement, including emotional, physical and cognitive.

Emotional responses to grief

• waves of intense sadness
• anger or frustration
• relief
• guilt or regret
• numbness or disbelief
• loneliness
• stress or anxiety
• longing for the person who has died.

Physical and cognitive responses to grief

• tiredness
• new aches and pains
• changes in appetite or difficulty eating
• problems concentrating.

These experiences can be hard, but they often ease in intensity over time.

If your grief stays overwhelming and has a profound effect on your daily life, relationships, work or ability to function, it may be worth seeking more support.

Getting the right support when you need it can help you live with your loss, while never forgetting the person who has died.

Finding the bereavement support you need

Talking to friends and family can help. You can tell them what kind of support you need, whether that's a listening ear, company, or practical help with everyday tasks.

You may also want to consider:

Growing around your grief

Growing around grief is not about moving on or forgetting the person who had died. It’s about moving forward and learning to live with your loss while continuing to remember them.

Some days will feel harder than others, especially anniversaries, birthdays and other celebrations. It can also happen on an ordinary day when you least expect it. This is natural.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way, look after your physical and emotional wellbeing, and reach out for support when you need it.

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