Active listening: 10 tips to support someone with health issues

Being diagnosed with a heart condition or experiencing a serious event like a heart attack or stroke can feel overwhelming and incredibly isolating. 

That’s why it’s so important to give friends or family members dealing with health issues space to talk about how they’re feeling. 

It can be difficult to listen attentively without interrupting, providing reassurance or offering your own solutions, especially if you also feel worried or upset about someone’s health. 

But practising ‘active listening’ can show someone you’re really hearing them, build connection, and help people feel less alone. 

Here are 10 ways to improve your listening skills and support your loved one.

1. Give them time to open up 

It can feel frustrating if you want your loved one to open up about their health problems but they do not want to talk about them. 

However, they might need a bit of time to process what’s happened by themselves before they want to have a conversation about how they’re feeling, even if they’ve been open about other things before.

It can be helpful to put the ball in their court and let them know you’re ready to speak about it when and if they are. As time goes by, you can gently remind them that this door remains open.

They may need time to process what's happened by themselves.

Some people find it difficult to open up about their feelings because they worry about being an ‘emotional burden’, particularly if they believe they are supposed to be ‘the strong one’.

They may need a little encouragement to share their feelings. It can be helpful to do this at times when they’re more relaxed and talkative.

This could be on a walk, having a relaxed chat after Sunday lunch, or even communicating over text or a messaging app if that’s how they feel comfortable communicating.

It’s important to respect your loved one’s boundaries and privacy, while also letting them know you are there for them.   

2. Try not to interrupt

Often with good intentions, it can be tempting to cut in and offer reassurance or solutions when someone is speaking about their experiences. 

However, this can feel frustrating for the other person. At worse, they may feel like they are not coping as well as they should be. 

Try to be patient and let the other person take the lead. As they’re talking, you can nod or make small utterances, such as ‘yes’ or ‘ok’, to show that you’re listening and interested in what they’re saying. 

Try to avoid other interruptions or distractions too, by finding a quiet space to speak in, and turning off your phone.

3. Match their pace and tone of voice

Pay attention to how your friend or family member is talking and try to use a similar tone.

Although speaking in an upbeat and fast-paced way might seem like a good way to cheer them up, they may find it jarring if they’re feeling low and talking quietly. 

Instead, try to slow down and talk at their pace to build connection and empathy.

4. Validate their emotions

Empathy is a key part of active listening. It means trying to really understand what it’s like to go through another person’s experiences, not just feeling sorry for them. 

Being empathetic involves listening without judgement and understanding and accepting the other person’s feelings, even if privately you do not completely agree with their perspective.

For example, if they tell you, “I'm really struggling with anxiety about my health today,” responding with, “You’re worrying too much, the doctor said you’re fine now” may feel dismissive.

Instead, respond by saying, “I'm sorry you’re having a rough day. It's understandable that you feel anxious.” 

You could then follow up by asking, “Is there anything I can do to support you today?” 

5. Be aware of body language

Active listening is not just about paying attention to the words people say. You can also pick up on how they’re feeling from their facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures.

Think about your own body language to show that you’re calm and ready to listen. In general, try to keep a relaxed, open posture and avoid crossed arms, which can come across as defensive.

Eye contact is also important, but too much can be overwhelming, so try to look up or to the side to break it every so often.

Some people may find face-to-face discussions a bit intimidating and prefer to chat side by side on a walk instead of facing you.

6. Reflect on what they’re saying

Check you’ve understood someone by offering a brief summary and paraphrasing what they’ve just said.

Try to stay close to their experience without parroting them. For example: “This is really difficult for you, I can hear that you’re frustrated about how tired you feel.” This can help them feel heard and understood.

You can then dig deeper and show that you’re listening by asking interested, relevant questions.

Be curious about how they're coping with things, and what their plans are moving forward.

For example, you might say, “How did that make you feel? What did you do? What do you think could be helpful now?”

7. Avoid making assumptions

Even if it’s with the best intentions, try not to assume what the other person needs without asking them.

As a psychologist, people sometimes tell me, “I know they mean well, but I wish my family member would get off my back and stop texting me every day with these unhelpful reminders to go out for a walk when I feel really tired.”

Try not to assume what the other person needs without asking them.

They might feel like you do not understand what they’re going through or that you’re being a bit critical. It could even lead to the person feeling more isolated and withdrawing from you.

Instead, always check in with them, and ask them how they think you can help and best support them.

8. Try not to overthink

Active listening can be a tricky skill in master. If you’re truly listening to someone, you’re focusing on them, not thinking ahead to your own responses or reactions.

While being aware of your body language and asking follow-up questions is useful, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It’s more important to stay focused on what the other person is telling you.

Some people worry about saying the wrong thing when talking to someone with a health condition.

It’s important to remember that you do not need to have all the answers. You’re not there as a therapist or to fix all their problems.

Just being there for someone and letting them get everything off their chest without judgement is usually the most helpful thing you can do.

9. Do some research

Learning more about your loved ones’ condition in your own time can also be useful when you come to speak to them.

This does not mean becoming an expert or offering lots of medical advice. However, knowing more about your loved one’s condition, their symptoms and how they may affect them can help you understand what challenges and limitations they are likely to experience.

It will also help you avoid making unrealistic suggestions to them, which could feel insensitive.

•  Read our information about heart and circulatory conditions.

10. Look after yourself  

It’s a bit of a cliché, but it's true that we can only support other people if our own cup is full. 

You may be struggling to come to terms with your loved one’s health problems, so make sure you’re looking after yourself too. 

Self-care looks different for everyone but often involves making healthy choices around food, exercise, sleep and making time for any activities that reduce your stress levels.

This might be getting out in nature, seeing friends, doing a hobby, or enjoying a long bath.

Spending some time away from your loved one can also help, especially if you’re caring for them.

• Read more about respite care. 

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