Dealing with relationships when you have a heart condition

Communication is key

It can be difficult to talk about feelings at the best of times, and having a health problem can make it feel trickier, with neither partner wanting to worry the other. It’s easy to make assumptions about what’s ok to discuss together, but only by checking will you know how best to approach things. Even if it feels really difficult, knowing you can share your concerns and fears can really help keep communication going – which helps people to stay closer. 

Whether you’ve just received a diagnosis or the health issue has been going on for a while, what people need from their partners is likely to change along the way. If you’re the partner of the person with a condition, establishing that you care and want to support them is usually a good way to start. Simply asking what would be helpful means that you don’t make assumptions. 

Health problems can put additional strain on any relationship. Dealing with the practical and emotional impact can be exhausting for both partners, and it’s easy to feel unconnected or helpless in the face of pain and worry. In some cases a partner might develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after a sudden trauma, such as witnessing their partner having a heart attack. When both partners have to focus on dealing with their own health issues, the gap between them can grow.   

Some couples do find that the stress of managing everything puts their relationship in jeopardy, but there are lots of ways of getting support at times like this, and these can help couples navigate difficult conversations and find the best ways forward.   

When a partner becomes a carer 

Sometimes a partner takes on the role of carer, either in the short or long-term. Being involved in someone’s personal care or needing this from a partner can feel daunting and challenging. Even when partners are more than willing to provide this support, it can impact on other areas of the relationship such as sex and intimacy and make it hard to feel as connected as before.  

Even when this kind of support may no longer be needed, regaining the sense of an equal and romantic partnership can feel tricky. Talking about what’s happened, and being open and honest in a way that respects the challenges that both partners have faced, can help you to find a way forward together. 

How to avoid being over-protective 

People with health conditions sometimes feel their partners, family or friends worry too much about how well they are taking care of themselves. Asking if someone has taken their medication, or telling them to watch what they eat or drink, can be perceived as being over-protective or as treating them like a child. 

Being concerned for somebody’s health and wellbeing is understandable, but sometimes it can help to take a step back. We all have a responsibility to care for ourselves, and it’s important to recognise that people dealing with a health condition are likely to want their autonomy to be respected, and to decide for themselves what support they want from friends and family. This can be difficult to accept, but it’s important to strike a healthy balance between caring and taking on the role of an unwanted carer, or even a bully.  

In other circumstances, partners might hold back from sharing what’s worrying them, because they don’t want to burden their partner with their concerns. Remember, it’s important to find ways of sharing your feelings if you want to. 

Talking to your children about a health problem  

Children can find a parent being taken ill very upsetting and frightening, and it can be difficult to know how much to tell them about what’s happening. Help your child to express their fears and concerns, and encourage them to be honest. In some cases a child might find out more about their parent’s situation than they want, so be mindful of what’s appropriate for your child to hear. Consider letting the school know what’s happening too - they should be able to suggest a dedicated member of staff for your child to talk to if they are worried.  

Older children may be called upon to do more to help around the home and with their parent’s care. In this situation, make sure your child’s needs are also being met by talking honestly about what those needs are. Children going away to college or university might feel guilty about leaving home, so they may need reassuring that you want what’s best for them, and that leaving home isn’t the same thing as abandoning their family.  

• Read about Robert, Chris and Eleanor’s experience of having a parent with a heart condition.

Friends and wider family 

If you’re not sure how to help someone with a health problem, the best approach is to be open and flexible. Just asking what might help and taking your lead from them is often a good way to start, and respects the fact that whatever problems they may be facing, you want to respect their wishes, rather than just ploughing in and making assumptions. They might want to keep in touch over text message every few days, meet up once a month, or they might want some time alone to focus on themselves and then reconnect when they feel ready. 

If you have a condition and would like more emotional support than friends and family are able to offer, try to establish connections with other people in similar situations to you, for instance through support groups. 

Where to find support 

If you’re struggling to make progress with a relationship problem, or you feel you can’t talk about something but want to, you might benefit from counselling.  

Relate works with couples, families, and children as well as people on their own. They offer face to face and online counselling, and many schools have Relate counsellors to support children. The cost of Relate services varies by region. Visit the Relate website or call 0300 003 0396. 

For other forms of mental health support, talk to your GP about psychological services they can refer you to. 

• Search for local BHF Heart Support Groups to connect with other people dealing with heart and circulatory disease.